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final exam around the corner.

21:06 pm.

Salam. There's only left a few days before the war will start (final exam). I'm not ready for this. My first paper will be on this Friday, 9th June 2017. Islamic Banking Operations subject. I hope this semester final exam I will do better even though I still studying last minute (not really last minute actually). At least I still have time to study before and do some revisions and notes. Thank you Adele for your advice, every time the final is around the corner, I wish I can do better in the back few weeks before the exam is start. I hope I am not going to fall asleep during the final exam, since this examinations falls within the month of Ramadan, so I think maybe it will be more better for me. For those who are start their first paper tomorrow, good luck guys ! 
Special to Adila Ilyana, may you wish will be fulfilled girl. Hope Allah will ease everything for you :)
Sincerely, lot of loves. dillazainal.

k e s e n y a p a n .

Ternyata, kesenyapan itu kadang membuat orang lain selesa. Ada juga kesenyapan yang membunuh hati hati yang teratanya, mengapa memilih untuk diam. Saat sepi, saat sendiri, saat dimana senyap mampu membuatku nyaman, Disitulah aku menjadi diriku sendiri. Tidak ada kebohongan, dusta, atau mahupun pura pura. Kamu yang hadir, sudah berada didalam hati, jangan pernah diam. Jangan pernah senyap, dan jangan pernah hilang.  Aku berharap, jangan.
Disaat kesenyapanku lebih memilih air mata, jangan pernah menganggap aku mengabaikan pertanyaanmu mengenaiku, kerana masih. Aku mahu engkau yang terlebih dahulu menyoalku, cumanya, ada hal yang aku sendiri tidak tahu untuk memulai. Masalah yang tiada, diada adakan. Terlalu memikirkan soal kita dimasa hadapan, mungkin juga tentang pelajaran, tentang sahabat yang aku hancurkan hatinya, atau tentang keluarga yang selalu aku abaikan perasaannya. Ah, telupa, mungkin juga terlalu memikirkan soal baikkah aku dengan melayani semua yang ada. Hal hal yang aku k…

If I sleep with tears.

That's mean I love you.

Aku yang curang.

Berkali kali aku janji pada Tuhan. Aku mahu jadi wanita yang taat perintah Allah. Menjadi wanita solehah. Hati terlalu mengimpikan menjadi wanita muslimah. Sebaik baik muslimah. Namun seringkali diri ini tewas, Nafsu. Tuhan.
Pegang aku.

self-inflicting pain.

Love is a hard concept and I think part of me will always love you at least, I’ll always love who I remember you to be when we were together. I’m not longer in love with you, but I still love you. Do you understand that? I don’t get butterflies anymore when I hear your name. My stomach doesn’t twist  when someone brings your name up into a conversation. I don’t feel like I’m getting hit in the chest anymore when I see a picture of you. That’s what letting go is. It’s moving on with my life without you. It took me a while to get here, maybe even longer than it should have, but I made it. The days turned to weeks, which turned to months and eventually years. I couldn’t accept the idea of living without you. I couldn’t think how I could ever love someone that wasn’t you. I couldn’t pick up the pieces of my heart that you shattered. Until I could. Until I kept practicing how to heal on my own, until I decided hanging on to you, someone who wasn’t coming back was doing more damage than goo…

Things now.

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I hate when I have to fake a smile. But, I can't tolerate if I have to be fake with people. I can't be a monster to other people life. I can't let my past take over for my future. I feel like I am a book where you put down and I'm the last poem you will never read again. Some days I still trying to find myself while being lost, some nights clinging onto the longest parts of breaking. Silence is my best friend, till I found a new friends. People comes and go, and here I am, I meet a new people. I'm not expecting them to stay, if they want to leave, I'm okay. I will stand here, let people come pass by me. Because I know nothing last forever. You're memory that maybe I'll soon to forget. Because lately, I start to forget about everything, what kind of food you like to eat, what your fav color, flavor of ice cream that you like, what is your most fav cake, everything. I seem to forgot. Before this, I use to write to remmeber everything about you, but latel…

move on.

I have spent the last 5 years holding onto the hope of a relationship with someone who does not love nor accept herself and therefore could not love and accept me. But I chose to stay even after every warning sign, every fight, and every false promise of a future together. I stayed because I loved her with all of my being. It took me 5 years, many conversations with friends and family, and lots of tears to finally say goodbye to the person I thought was the love of my life. But letting go was my only choice and this is how I knew.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. There were days where I could not catch my breath when all of my memories of her surfaced, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was angry and sad, and consumed with emotion so much so that it felt as if the wind was knocked out of me. I’d think to myself,  Is this what a mental breakdown feels like? I said to myself, “How did we get here? When did it get this bad?” I physically was responding to my emotions and they were interfer…