a little girl

 Salam Alayk,  Feels like it’s been a long time since I did not write or post anything in my blog last year. This year, I will be actively posting and updating my life here, all the progress, or my monolog, anything that I want to keep or share, I will try to post it here. It might not be for everyone to read it, but for those who read my blog, thank you! I hope you gais will always being blessed.  Just for your information, I was writing this post while I am crying at 3.06am on 7th of January. I feel hurts, but I don’t know how to describe. What makes me more sad is, to think that it just a beginning of my new year, but why all this happened. To be honest, by the time I have tried to stop on asking why all this and that keep happening to me, is it hard to just respect my feelings and show me some concern. It hurts, but even the words can’t describe why and it’s harder to explain and even harder to ask someone who we trust to understand us. Sometimes, it’s better to keep ...

Kenapa begitu banyak aku ungkit tentang masa lalu. Meski aku lebih menghargai masa kini? Mungkin yang aku hargai adalah orang yang hadir dan masih ada ada pada hari ini, Tetapi tidak diri sendiri, Kerana diri aku hari ini tidak ada banyak hal yang aku mampu banggakan. Cuma satu hal yang aku tahu, dan selalu bersyukur. Aku semakin pulih, dari luka yang aku cipta sendiri.

  Hi Assalamualaikum, Yes I just being able to write and share this story with you, regarding denggue. MashAllah, this is my first time been diagnosed as a denggue patient. Almost a week been warded at HKL. I still remember, that Friday Adele brought me and Ain to clinic, since my fever getting worse. I can’t even sleep, have a heavy headache, backpain, can’t eat, I lost my appetite. Ain also have fever but not that bad as mine. Menanngis teresak esak dekat klinik. *laughing. At first we did PCR to make sure that we are negative covid. Alhamdulillah our results is negative. My medical card dahlah lapsed. To sign up the new one, is not easy if you’ve been test as positive covid. *make sure if you still not being covered by medical card, sign up ASAP or can just contact me to get your quotation.  Okay back to my story, since the doctor worried cause maybe he look my condition is worse. So he write a refer letter to HKL, and ask me immediately go to hospital which means do not wa...

Hari ini, Kau buat aku menangis kagi. Hebat, Selalu saja engkau menemukan cara untuk mematahkan hati ini, Melakukan hal hal yang engkau tahu aku tidak suka. Aku tak mahu mengulangi hal hal sama, Membuat aku terlihat satu satunya orang yang mengongkong kebebasan kau, Orang lain menangis? Kerana kau yang tak terbebas?  Kalau dari awal aku tahu kau tak mahu begini, Sudah terlebih dahulu aku melepaskan, Tak perlu ada rasa yang berlebihan untuk kau,  Dah,  Aku penat cakap hal sama, Sebab pada akhirnya, Kau tetap saja menemukan cara untuk meremuk dan buat aku keliru bahawa antara kita, Aku yang punca.  Benci. Dengan rasa ini. 

     Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, It’s been a long time since I stop writing. There’s a lot of things happened for this past few years. I don’t know and how to start. Hopefully by this post, I will start to write again.  19 January 2021: Ayahanda saya Almarhum Zainal bin Bujang telah kembali ke rahmatullah. Pemergian ayah sangat memberi kesan kepada aku. Terlalu banyak hal, persoalan dan rasa yang aku simpan. Tapi aku yakin, ayah at the better place now. It’s break my heart so much bila tengok ayah dalam keadaan sakit. It’s been for 1 year and few months since ayah sakit. I still remember masa kami satu keluarga pergi menunaikan umrah, ayah dah start sakit, pening kepala, tak boleh nak jalan. Selalu rasa pening dan pitam bila nak jalan. After balik dari umrah, along bawa ayah check up and at the end, doctor diagnosed ayah ada ketumbuhan. Masa tu dalam bulan 7-8 tahun 2019. Pada masa yang sama, Along dapat tahu yang Along mengandung. 2019 - 2020 is the worse year for me ...

Assalamualamualaikum. Time showing me it's 1.54 a.m now, and I'm still wake up. Thinking about something I shouldn't. Late night tought always killing me slowly, by the way how I'm thinking and react towards something that happened in my life. Sometimes I feel I love to be alone, but then I'm crying because I've no one to share my problem with, except Him, and sometimes I feel I've to keep silence while myself keep screaming from the inside to be heard. I'm not sure what actually I want, and need. I said I pretend that I'm happy, but sometimes actually I'm really do happy. It just, sometime I'm also laugh while I'm in hurts. People think I'm crazy, but I think they're crazy enough to keep myself be what

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, Alhamdulillah. Syukur pada Allah dengan segala nikmat yang Allah pinjamkan. Lama tunggu untuk dapat panggilan kerja ni, even though this offer is just as a Protege. InshaAllah I'll do my best to learn something. Banyak hal untuk diceritakan, cuma masa tidak begitu mengizinkan. Sebab esok, 20th May 2019. Aku akan mula register untuk training di Maybank Academy. I hope that everything went well walaupun sejujurnya sedikit takut sebab dah lama dalam comfort zone untuk tak berhadapan dengan orang baru, tidur sendiri. Selepas duduk rumah sewa, aku cuma banyak habiskan masa dengan Adele. Maybe sekarang aku dah perlu belajar untuk mandiri. Iyalah, dilla yang dulu kuat untuk berdiri sendiri. Tak takut untuk buat kerja sendiri, bergerak sendiri, semuanya sendiri, tanpa perlu beritahu dan ambil tahu setiap masa tentang orang lain pada setiap masa, sehingga lupa keinginan diri. Banyak hal yang aku belajar dari awal tahun 2019 ini, banyak juga cerita yang ingin aku ...

I'm scared you’re going to leave because that’s what I knows, that’s what’s familiar. That’s what has happened to me in the past. Love and leave. I've been a part of that before. I'm scared you’re going to leave because occasionally my insecurities get the best of me. My insecurities tell me to act in ways I never would, they whisper things I thinks are true, they win the space in my head where happiness once grew and they take it over. My insecurities are the ones telling me I'm not enough, that you will leave me for someone else eventually, someone who’s better for you, someone who’s better than me. I'm scared you’re going to leave because any time something in me life seems to be going right, it suddenly goes wrong. What goes up must come down, and when things go up for me they come back down lower than where we started. I'm scared you’re going to leave because I'm terrified of the way I’ll feel if you do. I knows it won’t be pretty. I knows ...

Dear you, If one day you feel tired of me, tell me. Because I don't want to be a burden for you. I remember when you said that love is a commitment. I wish you still here is not only because of a commitment, but because you're willing to. Dear you, I thought there will be no more love after her, but here you come. If you see that I start to change, become unhappy. It's not what actually my feeling trying to express. I do happy, especially when you're around. When you're not, I wonder how you're doing. I know, you will still be fine. It just I want to make sure you're okay, even I know you're okay. Silly me. I want to check, I want to call, but I know I can't make it as I like, because you have your own life. Wasn't like me. I told you I'm clingy, you said that you're okay. But I guess you're not. Since you said we only need to depends on him. I know. It makes me feel like I look so weak that's why I need you so much. I have Alla...

Dari segi kata, mahupun penulisankan. Aku kira, Aku perlu diam, dan berhenti. Kerana mungkin akan lebih melukai banyak hati.

Aku yang penting diri kerana memilih untuk selalu dekat dengan orang yang membahagiakan aku. Aku yang penting diri kerana berubah selepas bertemu orang baru. Aku yang penting diri kerana memilih untuk pergi dari orang yang terang terang tidak mahu aku berharap untuknya. Aku penting diri kerana bersuara tentang apa aku rasa setelah semuanya aku simpan. Aku penting diri dalam segenap perkara. Biar aku terlihat penting diri dalam semuanya tanpa menjelaskan kenapa itu seperti itu, ini seperti ini. Biar aku diam untuk esok, dan seterusnya. Biar aku dilihat penting diri dalam semua, Dan mereka adalah mangsa, Aku ? Punca, semestinya.

I hate the way I'm so shattered. I hate the way every time someone raises their voices at me I break a little bit more in the inside. I hate the way I'm so weak. I hate the way I can't cry/ I hate the way I can't stand up after I fall. I hate being myself. And I hate me for that.

I'm hurt, should I tell you a reasons why ?

21:06 pm. Salam. There's only left a few days before the war will start (final exam). I'm not ready for this. My first paper will be on this Friday, 9th June 2017. Islamic Banking Operations subject. I hope this semester final exam I will do better even though I still studying last minute (not really last minute actually). At least I still have time to study before and do some revisions and notes. Thank you Adele for your advice, every time the final is around the corner, I wish I can do better in the back few weeks before the exam is start. I hope I am not going to fall asleep during the final exam, since this examinations falls within the month of Ramadan, so I think maybe it will be more better for me. For those who are start their first paper tomorrow, good luck guys !  Special to Adila Ilyana, may you wish will be fulfilled girl. Hope Allah will ease everything for you :) Sincerely, lot of loves. dillazainal.

Ternyata, kesenyapan itu kadang membuat orang lain selesa. Ada juga kesenyapan yang membunuh hati hati yang teratanya, mengapa memilih untuk diam. Saat sepi, saat sendiri, saat dimana senyap mampu membuatku nyaman, Disitulah aku menjadi diriku sendiri. Tidak ada kebohongan, dusta, atau mahupun pura pura. Kamu yang hadir, sudah berada didalam hati, jangan pernah diam. Jangan pernah senyap, dan jangan pernah hilang.  Aku berharap, jangan. Disaat kesenyapanku lebih memilih air mata, jangan pernah menganggap aku mengabaikan pertanyaanmu mengenaiku, kerana masih. Aku mahu engkau yang terlebih dahulu menyoalku, cumanya, ada hal yang aku sendiri tidak tahu untuk memulai. Masalah yang tiada, diada adakan. Terlalu memikirkan soal kita dimasa hadapan, mungkin juga tentang pelajaran, tentang sahabat yang aku hancurkan hatinya, atau tentang keluarga yang selalu aku abaikan perasaannya. Ah, telupa, mungkin juga terlalu memikirkan soal baikkah aku dengan melayani semua yang ada. Hal hal yan...

That's mean I love you.

Berkali kali aku janji pada Tuhan. Aku mahu jadi wanita yang taat perintah Allah. Menjadi wanita solehah. Hati terlalu mengimpikan menjadi wanita muslimah. Sebaik baik muslimah. Namun seringkali diri ini tewas, Nafsu. Tuhan. Pegang aku.

Love is a hard concept and I think part of me will always love you at least, I’ll always love who I remember you to be when we were together.  I’m not longer in love with you, but I still love you. Do you understand that? I don’t get butterflies anymore when I hear your name. My stomach doesn’t twist  when someone brings your name up into a conversation. I don’t feel like I’m getting hit in the chest anymore when I see a picture of you.  That’s what letting go is.  It’s moving on with my life without you.  It took me a while to get here, maybe even longer than it should have, but I made it.  The days turned to weeks, which turned to months and eventually years. I couldn’t accept the idea of living without you. I couldn’t think how I could ever love someone that wasn’t you. I couldn’t pick up the pieces of my heart that you shattered.  Until I could.  Until I kept practicing how to heal on my own, until I decided hanging on to you, someone who was...

Tuhan, apa lagi yang aku mahu minta bila Engkau sudah memberikan semua ? Pada aku, dewasa akan mengajarkan setiap anak kecil itu, bahawa Ibu dan Ayah, serta keluarga adalah hal yang paling indah. Kerana itu aku selalu ingin menuju dewasa. Menuju dia yang belum aku tahu siap.Y yang selalu menungguku disetiap doanya. Tuhan, untuk mengharapkan jodoh yang belum pasti, selalu buat aku meyerah. Kerana pada akhirnya aku akan selalu meminta jika ajal menjemput sebelum jodoh. Semoga ketika aku pergi kelak, aku adalah orang yang paling bahagia disaat keluargaku terpaksa bersedih atas kepergianku. Kerana aku sudah pernah menangis disaat aku lahir didunia dan mereka adalah orang yang paling bahagia menyambutku. Dan disaat itu, aku akan menjadi orang paling bahagia jika aku pergi, Rabbiku yang menjemputku.  Meski aku selalu sedar amalku kurang, tapi keinginanku untuk bertemu Tuhanku, selalu saja bertambah. Dunia, memenatkan. Aku cuma mahu berehat. 

I hate when I have to fake a smile. But, I can't tolerate if I have to be fake with people. I can't be a monster to other people life. I can't let my past take over for my future. I feel like I am a book where you put down and I'm the last poem you will never read again. Some days I still trying to find myself while being lost, some nights clinging onto the longest parts of breaking. Silence is my best friend, till I found a new friends. People comes and go, and here I am, I meet a new people. I'm not expecting them to stay, if they want to leave, I'm okay. I will stand here, let people come pass by me. Because I know nothing last forever. You're memory that maybe I'll soon to forget. Because lately, I start to forget about everything, what kind of food you like to eat, what your fav color, flavor of ice cream that you like, what is your most fav cake, everything. I seem to forgot. Before this, I use to write to remmeber everything about you, but la...